Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
