She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
