How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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