We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
