I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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