Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
