Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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