note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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