I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
