OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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