Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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