she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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