I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize