why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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