Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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