just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
