All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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