We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
now i know why i became what i already was.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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