so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
