Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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