Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
