how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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