Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I would ride that face into the sunset
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
