I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Two words: blizzard sex
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
