Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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