My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
