It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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