If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
