I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
