Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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