found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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