I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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