Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
