the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
