If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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