Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
