I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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