I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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