I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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