I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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