I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize