i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
did i just pee glitter
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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