I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
