Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
