well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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