after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
