I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
