Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think my moral compass just broke
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