i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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