I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
