You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
