While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
