You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
