she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
