So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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