I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
