I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
