On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
