Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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