This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
